Friday, March 22, 2013

Struggle.

It's been a while since I have posted anything other than Riley's monthly updates! Even those are lacking. I'm here to talk about me. Well... kind of.


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I always wondered what it would be like to have a family. Deep down I always wanted a family. That's just what you do. You get married and have babies. Right? I went through that phase- "I don't want kids..." I think a lot of people do. But I quickly changed my mind and those two pink lines changed my life forever.

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Never did I imagine a love that I feel for my daughter. Almost 17 months in and I love her more and more every single day. My husband often works nights. RQ and I spend a lot of alone time together.  Surprisingly, it is some of the best time spent. We have dance parties, do puzzles, sing songs, read books (like a million a day!) play outside, throw the ball for Coach, draw pictures, giggle, be silly and cuddle!

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I LOVE that time together. There is nothing better in the world.

Lately, I have been thinking more and more into what I want our family to look like a few years from now. I have SEVERAL pregnant friends and family members. Some having their first baby, some the second and some their third! I wonder about it. I pray about it. I find myself so content right now. We go back and forth (the husband and I) on having just one more or not having another at all. I have finally convinced him to possibly have another, and here I am thinking... I don't think so anymore. (He likely will not be reading this, so I'm not worried about him getting any ideas. Just in case.) I know what you're probably thinking- "You don't have to make that decision right now, you have plenty of time." Yes, I understand that.


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I just feel so happy right now. So content with life. Over and over I hear "you're never ready" or "you never have enough money for kids." But, I don't completely agree with that. I feel like we are happy with our life and we are able to give Riley what she wants/needs. I am of the mindset that if I have a child I WANT to be able to give them whatever I can. The moon if it were possible. Spoil her? Of course. Teach her how to be appreciative and caring. Absolutely.

I love the time with her. I don't really want to share it. I want to give her all of my attention. I want to be able to snuggle her when she is sick or has a bad dream. I want to be able to go and do and be the free spirits we are now. I want to say "come on, RQ lets go to Target..." I'm not saying that in 4 years we wouldn't be able to add onto the house to have more room. I love our little house and honestly, I don't want to move. I'm not saying in 16 years I will or wont be able to afford to buy her a car and put her through college. But I don't want to worry about that. I want to be confident that it will happen. No, I'm not deciding whether or not I want a second child because I can't afford them. That's not all of what this is about, only a small piece of it.

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I know they say your love is shared between all of your children equally. I get that. My mom loved my brother and I both the same, I am positive. However, it goes back to that selfishly adoring that time I get with my RQ. Do I really WANT to share that? I envision us being best friends. I pray that doesn't backfire on me and her turn into that kid that hates her mother. I mean, sure- she will likely hate me here and there, but my mom and I are best friends and I want that with my RQ. I see us at the park, the mall, the beach the coffee shop. Just hanging out. The two of us. Waking up and cuddling... bedtime stories. Going to NYC to visit uncle Tyler or riding the train to see Gigi and Pawpaw and her cousins...

But then I wonder. Would she be lonely? Would she be angry with me because she didn't have siblings? Is it selfish for me to NOT want another baby for her to grow up with? Is it selfish for me to be happy and content and LOVE my life right now? I honestly don't see another baby in my future. I've said we would try again after she turned three and maybe we will. But honestly, I just don't feel like I want to do that right now. (Sorry Momo and Gigi, I know you're not happy about this if you are reading...)

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I hear a lot of "don't you want her to have someone to play with?" Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my brother. Love him to death. I would do anything for him and wouldn't trade him for the world. But, did we really play together growing up? No. We fought. We fought a lot.

I don't really know what the future may bring. I'm not completely sitting here saying we will never ever have another child. I'm not saying people don't love their children if they have more than one. I guess I am just rambling and putting my thoughts out there. But from here on, I plan to just snuggle the heck out of my little one who is growing oh so quickly in front of my eyes!

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I would love to hear from anyone who is or has an only child. I get so much on the other side and would love some input otherwise.

Thanks for listening/reading and happy blogging! I hope to be back more often!


Let go laughing!


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3 comments:

  1. Hey Lauren! I don't know if you knew this but I'm an only child and my mum and I are very very close. She has always been my best friend and someone I can look up to. My dad was getting his PhD and working all the time when I was growing up so I was alone with my mum all the time. When I was younger I remember wanting a brother or sister. I think I asked for one every Christmas lol. That was the extent though. I had lots of friends to occupy my time and my parents put me into anything they could. I did soccer, dance, Woodcroft swim team, modeling and gymnastics. My parents also took me with them everywhere they went. They didn't exclude me just because I was a kid, so I was around grown ups a lot too. My mum told me since then that her and my dad thought about having more children but it just never happened for whatever reason. There are positives and some negatives just like in anything but it never affected my relationship with my parents, nor did I resent them for it. I think when I was younger I just had a need to fit in and all my friends had siblings so I wanted them. Now that I'm older I'm happy being an only child because I'm a little greedy and I don't want to share my mums attention. I literally talk to her every day. I will say I valued our relationship more as I got older but with maturity its to expected I think. She is so positive about everything and with all the negativity these days its so nice to hear her voice. She is all the family I have in the States. I can not imagine my life without her and even writing this I get teary eyed, I'm at work so I should stop lol. I hope that helps a bit and gives you a little insight. Let me know if you have any specific questions, I'm here!

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  2. Thank you so much for responding. It is exactly what I needed to hear. I just picture (like you said!) Riley going and doing everything with us. Heck, she's already been with us to Vegas! lol. I guess we will see what time brings, but I am happy to know I am not completely horrible for thinking this way. I also had another response from another mom feeling the same way I am.

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  3. Hi Lauren, Thank you for posting this. I too struggle with this HUGE decision. I am really enjoying 1. My sister and brother both have two children (all they spend more time fighting than they do playing). My husband works 2nd shift which leaves little "divide and conquer" time. He also works weekends and holidays. So sometimes I just fee like a single mom. I love spending time with our daughter, don't get me wrong. I just think I will be a happier mom and person with one than I will be with two. She will have friends and cousins and I will be sure to make sure that appreciation and giving are values that we instil in her. I guess I just need to get over being judged by everyone when they tell me "you need to have 2", etc. What I need is to be is a happy mom and live my life enjoying our time together, not struggling to keep my head above water. So thank you. Thank you for posting this. One is NOT the loneliest number. One is a great number.

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