Monday, July 15, 2013

"not my mommy"

Hey y'all. Me again. I've been in a writer's rut... Can you tell? We are coming on up the big T-W-O! I can't believe that! My brother and I are two years apart. My hubby and his sister are about two years apart... A lot of my friends have kids two years apart...

I have had the same thing on my mind as in my previous post here so I figured why not go again...

4 months later. Not a long time... I have been spending time with lots of friends lately. Family as well. Kids. A lot of kids. My sister in law has three. My good friend H has two. Her sister in law has two... The list goes on.

Where to begin...

I keep typing and deleting, thinking. Logging off... Coming back. I don't want anything to sound negative or demeaning, because in my mind it is just the opposite. My friends and family are all amazing parents. They have such patience. Love. Care.

But... Here I still sit and think. Do I really want more kids? It's still a back and forth DAILY kind of question I ask myself. A while back my husband always wanted more and I always said just one. Then that changed and I wanted more and he said just one. Now he is saying we will have another one and I don't think so. Do you see a pattern here? That pattern is what makes me question it more and more. Every. Single. Night. Over and over in my head... It isn't something I want to not do and regret it ten years from now. But I also don't want to do it and regret it. Not that I would ever regret having a child. I don't think that is possible... But maybe someone out there knows what I am trying to say.

I feel like I did when I had to quit breastfeeding. Like people were judging me. "How can you not have a sibling for RQ?" "She will grow up alone." "Who will she play with?"

I'm sure I am repeating myself some from my last post. I didn't go back and read it. I just don't know. Period. I feel selfish in a way... I look at moms in the grocery store or mall or restaurants with more than one. I'm not going to lie, it just doesn't look like something I want to do. No, I know everyone is not happy 100% of the time. I am most certainly not either. Again... totally not where I am going with this.

Do you see why I deleted this a million times? I am not in any way saying ANYONE is a bad person/mother/father/ anything for having more than one kid and/or being "not happy" sometimes. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am happy with life the way it is.

I laid snuggling with my RQ tonight as she wrapped her arms around my neck and rubbed my back saying "hi mommy!" with the biggest cheese ball grin on her face and I couldn't imagine having to share that time and take that away. I know your heart "grows" and you love them both/all the same. I get that. I really do. I just don't know if I WANT it to.

I pray about it. I think about it a lot. Michael and I talk about it often. We laughed the other night because I reminded him of a hormonal rage I had a few weeks before RQ was born. I cried on the couch because I said we would never be able to go to the coffee shop alone again or just watch tv together. That was our "normal." That is what I knew. It's hilarious now. I CANNOT imagine going to the coffee shop without my RQ and who gives to flips if we can watch tv alone or not. (we do though!)

I guess that part of me figures if we have another one it will be the same way. And, yes. I'm sure it likely would be. I don't think anyone thinks "I wish I never had you!" Ok- well, some people probably do... (Sad!) But It goes back to "do I want to?"

I'm not really sure where I am going with this. Just a matter of being so confused about it and seriously feeling like I don't want to but feeling the guilt. Is it guilt from society? Is it guilt from me? The sole fact that I wonder about it make it more of a reason to not. So many moms and dads know before they even recover from baby number 1 that they want a second. The fact that I have such doubt and wonder so much makes me feel even more that it's not something I should do.

You may think it is because I have had a horrible experience in motherhood. It is quite the opposite actually. Labor and delivery weren't the best memories of life (other than them handing her to me!) But, other than a small bat with reflux here and there she has been wonderful. She sleeps (always has.) She eats well. She plays well for the most part. We have our moments, don't get me wrong. I hear "No mommy!" often and she has spent a fair amount of timeout time... even though she likes it... (I know, I need to work on that!) But it has been and is wonderful. I love my days with her. I love that I am able to be home with her. I love that we can go and do as we please. We can eat out or go get ice cream... Or dress up like a cow at 8:15pm to go get free chick fil a!

I wont go further into the financial part of not having vs. having a second... but that weighs on my mind daily as well. We are comfortable. We are happy.

My sister in law jokes that our parents are not going to let us hang out anymore because she thinks I will never have anymore kids. I just want to say that it has NOTHING to do with it! I LOVE my nieces and nephew dearly. I love all of my friends children dearly. It is nothing personal at all. This is something I have struggled with since before we even got pregnant with RQ. I know how much they love their kids and I don't doubt that with one inch of my soul.

I guess I am here to say that 4 months later, if anything I have regressed on my thoughts/decision to have another. We talk about when Riley turns 3 that we will reconvene and discuss it more seriously. However if you ask RQ if mommy is having another baby, her response is "not my mommy!" I am absolutely head over heels in love with my sweet RQ and nothing in this life makes me happier than being her mommy. I was meant to be a mommy and she has made that happen. She is my world.

Don't get me wrong. I have names picked out. I really would love for RQ to have a sister. It's not a definitive NO! I just am having a super hard time with this. :(

Right now I think we are perfect just the way we are...

Prayers are welcome and comments/thoughts/words of advice are as well!

~let go laughing.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Rainy Day Fun

I remember holding my moms hand and splashing through puddles at Southsquare Mall. The mall is not there anymore, but the memories are. Riley may not remember jumping in the puddles in the middle of the road with mommy and daddy this time, but this definitely wont be the last time. :) She's just what we imagined she would be... pink boots, crazy hair, mismatched pajamas. She's perfect. She's our everything.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

18 months- happy half birthday!

Dear Riley,

A year and a half. 18 months. We're on the down hill to TWO now. Closer to two than one. My baby girl is growing up so fast, right in front of my eyes! I can't believe it. At times, it feels like you have been with me and daddy forever. Then it seems like yesterday the nurse put you into my arms for the first time.

My how you have become your own little person lately. Those little rolling eyes and "stink eye" faces. When I stomp my feet at you, you run into my arms with the biggest hug ever. I just love it. Your smile will light up a room. Everyone loves you so much. So many people love you.

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It's been a rough month. We had a wonderful Easter and you had your first real egg hunt. You loved opening the eggs! You played with Jane and Mia and loved being a good friend. I can't wait to watch you girls grow up together on the island!

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You tried to sleep in your new big girl bed at the beach (we bought it at a resale shop since it is a wooden boat, so I figured why not?) - You fell off the bow. Oops. The trip we were on when we bought the bed... mommy and you and momo broke down in Wilmington. Luckily, your cousin Caleb hadn't been born yet, so Gigi and Pawpaw were at the beach and Pawpaw came and got us.

A few days later, your cousin Caleb was born. Mommy and daddy went to Charlotte to meet him and mommy took his newborn pictures. We left you home for the day with momo and grandy and it's a good thing we did because the next day after story time and your nap, you woke up with pink eye. We took you straight to the doctor and they said it was caused by your very first ear infection. You had to miss your very first swim lesson the next day. :(

You finally got better from that and you were on antibiotics for 10 days. Two days later you spiked a fever of 103. I thought you were doing better the next day and we went to nanny and papa's and had dinner with uncle. When Uncle and I got back home, momo and grandy were gone, daddy was at work and uncle headed back to Pinehurst. I checked your temperature because you felt warm and it was 104.6! I was by myself with you and panicked. Luckily daddy was just at '12 and was able to get home quickly. We got your fever down. It was a virus. Whenever we got the Motrin in you, you were quick to be back to happy-go-lucky RQ! You slept in the bed with mommy for a couple of nights and daddy kept his coughing fits on the couch.

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You finally seem better now. You're asleep in your bed now. I'm still sitting here thinking "how is my baby girl going to be 18 months old tomorrow morning?!?!" 18 months ago right now, I was on my way to the hospital to meet you!

Today you finally had your first set of swim lessons. The first one you missed because of your ear infection- the next week it was canceled because of pool chemicals being imbalanced! You rocked it tonight. You smiled and laughed even when you went under water or were with the teacher instead of me. I was so proud of you! We get to go back tomorrow for one of our makeup classes and daddy gets to come. He is taking tomorrow off instead of Thursday since it's your half birthday! We aren't having a party for you this year, but we are continuing the tradition of making you a half cake and celebrating together! We're even going to go to Target and let you pick out a new doll. Yes, you are spoiled.

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I hope you know how much we love you. I wish I could put it into words. Daddy and I were talking about it the other night while we were watching you play. We decided you will not know until you have kids of your own one day. Last Thursday night after gymnastics you and me and daddy went to dinner together. It was the first time in a while it was just the three of us out to eat. We just watched you and smiled at you the whole time. You are so good and so smart. You are such a blessing to us. I really don't know what we did before you came along.

You do love gymnastics. You are SO close to jumping. Teacher Grace was proud of your hanging on the bars last week too! We get to register for next year on Friday. I'm so excited you will be able to continue to take your classes. You love The Little Gym so much. It was funny because I was just taking you to the free trial class for fun. Momo and daddy thought it was crazy and you were way too young. Then we saw how much fun you had and how many new friends you made at that one 45 minute class and we knew we had to sign you up. Boy, how far you have come! It is amazing what you have learned. You walk right in without mommy and  grab your shakers! You know the routine and do what you are told. It's so fun for you and for mommy and daddy! I am so thankful we are able to put you in something like that.

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I was joking with someone the other day and said I may have to go with you to Kindergarten. I don't know if I was joking... I have a hard enough time tutoring for a few hours a couple of days a week, 9 months out of the year, a mile down the road while you are home with family. I'm pretty sure I am never going to be ok leaving you anywhere without me. Good thing we still have about 4.5/5 years to figure that out. I'm so thankful for your birthday not making the cutoff! (I know, I have a problem and maybe I will be able to let you out of my sight by the time you are 21... we will see.)

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You slept until 10 on Saturday and 10:30 on Sunday. Granted, it was from a fever (maybe) - daddy and I thoroughly enjoyed it. We can't complain though. You have slept through the night since you were home from the hospital and have never been an early riser. Early for you is 8. I always tell daddy if you ever have a brother or sister they will probably be your polar opposite. You're such a good baby. (Yes, I am still calling you a baby and you will ALWAYS be my baby!)

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This is getting long... You're 20 lbs and 32 inches long. Still in size three Luvs. 20% weight and 90% height. You drink more milk than any human I have ever met. You chug each cup like you haven't had a drink in a week. You love my tervis tumbler, so I bought you a mini version for your smoothies. You sit for the whole story at story time now. You love to glue, color and use stickers. You love princesses. No really- you love them. It's almost scary how much you know at your age. You sorted your princesses and "other" little people the other day. I was shocked. You love the water and to snuggle. You love love love Coach and Ringer and to be outside no matter what the weather or time of day or night. Bedtime is still 9/9:30. Still taking two naps- 11:30/3:30 even though there have been some random one nap days. Favorite food this month- strawberries. We've retired your highchair and I am sad about it. You insist on sitting in a big girl chair, so I got you a cheap $10 booster seat. I still haven't taken the highchair out of the kitchen yet. Don't know if I can do that yet or not.

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You learned your first song. It's Britney Spears, of course. "Oh baby baby!" I love it!

I love you Riley Quinn. I hope you know that. I hope I show you with my million kisses, hugs and snuggles each day. I know I tell you and you are able to say " I - Wub- Yoooooou" when you are repeating me. I hope I am doing a good job showing you that every single day. I love you more than the stars in the sky little boogie. You are my world. You are my everything.


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Monday, March 25, 2013

Our house... in the middle of the street.

Ok, well it's not in the middle of the street. I just couldn't think of a title. ;) I've blogged before about some of the before and after projects in our house. I wish I could convey in words exactly what this house looked like when we bought it. Seriously. Let's put bright orange and a green yellow on every wall... add in some disgusting urine smelling carpet, some swinging doors, dark wood/molding everyyyyyyyywhere and some disgusting appliances. It's come a long way to say the least. I have loved every single minute of it and fall more and more in love with our little house every time we finish a project! (Do I ever finish a project?)

Even Michael doesn't have a true appreciation for what our house really looked like when we bought it. He was in Japan and didn't actually get home to see the house until the carpets had mostly been ripped up and a lot of painting had taken place.

I'm no YHL, even though I have always gotten a ton of ideas from them and love love love them! But here is my home tour. :)

Here are just a few before and after shots of the kitchen and living room... I wish I had more from the rest of the house.


Just moved in... (look how tiny Coach was!!)

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Just moved in...

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putting in the floors


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NOW (Don't mind me cooking dinner...)

Seriously y'all... you should be proud of us! I will have to try to find some of our bedroom and Riley's nursery before and afters as well as the bathrooms.

Imagine Riley's nursery that same lime/yellow color in a square room with gross purple carpet- Then picture this:

And while I am giving my home tour, here is her bathroom after its makeover: (minus the owls that have been added.)

And now for Riley's playroom- It started as a guest room and then into an office. It has been RQ's playroom for almost a year now and it is really starting to look more how I envisioned it. It started as my office- but I moved that to here-

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This is after the hardwoods were installed, but it was just a guest room-

This was when we turned it into our "office" -

And this is when we started the playroom transformation-

and here is today!

I'll save the pictures of our room for another day. I think these are fun to see the before and after. I hope you have enjoyed the photos. :) I am so in love with our little home and I cannot wait to see what the future brings with it. Hopefully the next big project is going to be our back yard. We have lots of plans including a patio, playhouse, gardens and more!

Some other projects on our list include:

  • Riley's bathroom sink/floor
  • Kitchen cabinets
  • Laundry room/ mudroom floor
  • driveway
  • door knobs in the WHOLE house to be switched out
And eventually we will work on an addition (adding back and up- bigger master, possibly one more bedroom, a bonus room, laundry room and office/studio above a garage.)

Stay tuned!

I would love to see links to before and after from your home!! :)

~let go laughing