Monday, July 15, 2013

"not my mommy"

Hey y'all. Me again. I've been in a writer's rut... Can you tell? We are coming on up the big T-W-O! I can't believe that! My brother and I are two years apart. My hubby and his sister are about two years apart... A lot of my friends have kids two years apart...

I have had the same thing on my mind as in my previous post here so I figured why not go again...

4 months later. Not a long time... I have been spending time with lots of friends lately. Family as well. Kids. A lot of kids. My sister in law has three. My good friend H has two. Her sister in law has two... The list goes on.

Where to begin...

I keep typing and deleting, thinking. Logging off... Coming back. I don't want anything to sound negative or demeaning, because in my mind it is just the opposite. My friends and family are all amazing parents. They have such patience. Love. Care.

But... Here I still sit and think. Do I really want more kids? It's still a back and forth DAILY kind of question I ask myself. A while back my husband always wanted more and I always said just one. Then that changed and I wanted more and he said just one. Now he is saying we will have another one and I don't think so. Do you see a pattern here? That pattern is what makes me question it more and more. Every. Single. Night. Over and over in my head... It isn't something I want to not do and regret it ten years from now. But I also don't want to do it and regret it. Not that I would ever regret having a child. I don't think that is possible... But maybe someone out there knows what I am trying to say.

I feel like I did when I had to quit breastfeeding. Like people were judging me. "How can you not have a sibling for RQ?" "She will grow up alone." "Who will she play with?"

I'm sure I am repeating myself some from my last post. I didn't go back and read it. I just don't know. Period. I feel selfish in a way... I look at moms in the grocery store or mall or restaurants with more than one. I'm not going to lie, it just doesn't look like something I want to do. No, I know everyone is not happy 100% of the time. I am most certainly not either. Again... totally not where I am going with this.

Do you see why I deleted this a million times? I am not in any way saying ANYONE is a bad person/mother/father/ anything for having more than one kid and/or being "not happy" sometimes. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am happy with life the way it is.

I laid snuggling with my RQ tonight as she wrapped her arms around my neck and rubbed my back saying "hi mommy!" with the biggest cheese ball grin on her face and I couldn't imagine having to share that time and take that away. I know your heart "grows" and you love them both/all the same. I get that. I really do. I just don't know if I WANT it to.

I pray about it. I think about it a lot. Michael and I talk about it often. We laughed the other night because I reminded him of a hormonal rage I had a few weeks before RQ was born. I cried on the couch because I said we would never be able to go to the coffee shop alone again or just watch tv together. That was our "normal." That is what I knew. It's hilarious now. I CANNOT imagine going to the coffee shop without my RQ and who gives to flips if we can watch tv alone or not. (we do though!)

I guess that part of me figures if we have another one it will be the same way. And, yes. I'm sure it likely would be. I don't think anyone thinks "I wish I never had you!" Ok- well, some people probably do... (Sad!) But It goes back to "do I want to?"

I'm not really sure where I am going with this. Just a matter of being so confused about it and seriously feeling like I don't want to but feeling the guilt. Is it guilt from society? Is it guilt from me? The sole fact that I wonder about it make it more of a reason to not. So many moms and dads know before they even recover from baby number 1 that they want a second. The fact that I have such doubt and wonder so much makes me feel even more that it's not something I should do.

You may think it is because I have had a horrible experience in motherhood. It is quite the opposite actually. Labor and delivery weren't the best memories of life (other than them handing her to me!) But, other than a small bat with reflux here and there she has been wonderful. She sleeps (always has.) She eats well. She plays well for the most part. We have our moments, don't get me wrong. I hear "No mommy!" often and she has spent a fair amount of timeout time... even though she likes it... (I know, I need to work on that!) But it has been and is wonderful. I love my days with her. I love that I am able to be home with her. I love that we can go and do as we please. We can eat out or go get ice cream... Or dress up like a cow at 8:15pm to go get free chick fil a!

I wont go further into the financial part of not having vs. having a second... but that weighs on my mind daily as well. We are comfortable. We are happy.

My sister in law jokes that our parents are not going to let us hang out anymore because she thinks I will never have anymore kids. I just want to say that it has NOTHING to do with it! I LOVE my nieces and nephew dearly. I love all of my friends children dearly. It is nothing personal at all. This is something I have struggled with since before we even got pregnant with RQ. I know how much they love their kids and I don't doubt that with one inch of my soul.

I guess I am here to say that 4 months later, if anything I have regressed on my thoughts/decision to have another. We talk about when Riley turns 3 that we will reconvene and discuss it more seriously. However if you ask RQ if mommy is having another baby, her response is "not my mommy!" I am absolutely head over heels in love with my sweet RQ and nothing in this life makes me happier than being her mommy. I was meant to be a mommy and she has made that happen. She is my world.

Don't get me wrong. I have names picked out. I really would love for RQ to have a sister. It's not a definitive NO! I just am having a super hard time with this. :(

Right now I think we are perfect just the way we are...

Prayers are welcome and comments/thoughts/words of advice are as well!

~let go laughing.

1 comment:

  1. I am an only child and have spoken with many other only children about how many children they want to have - every single one said that they want at least 2 if possible. Every single one!I think that might give some insight into how your daughter will feel about the topic as she grows.